Opinions needed

[creighton]

Here is the deal. Where should ones loyalties lie?

I live not far from my brothers ex wife. His ex lived with my family before she and my brother married. I came to think of her as an older sister and good friend. My eldest child is named after her. That is how much I adore her. My brother and her were married for 26 years before finally divorcing. I still adore her. She is still my good friend and sister.

My brother remarried 9 years ago. Moved his new wife from Mexico to Oklahoma 4 years ago. His two grown children want nothing to do with her. His daughter has tried several times to be friendly to her and has given up so it is rare she will go see her dad or take her two boys around him. While I stayed with my brother for a few days I felt very unwelcome. Not by him but her. I mean she wasn't even going to allow me to use one of their towels so I could take a shower.

I love my brother and his new wife does take very good care of him. That I respect her for.

My brother feels hurt because I and my sister go to see his ex. He knows I see her quite often as we do live close to each other. He wants me to come to his house and hang out with his new wife. I have tried that and I feel uncomfortable with her. Also there is a communication problem. My brother learned her language and she does not care to learn ours. I won't take my grandchildren over because I am afraid they might touch something. My brothers daughter doesn't take her 2 kids around her because she is on them all the time. NO touch,No run,No do this No do that.
I love my brother and want to see him. I don't want to hurt him but I don't feel I should have to break off ties with his ex to keep from hurting him.

[Sable899]

You sound like you and your brother have always been very close, so I suggest that you get him into a one on one conversation and simply lay it all out on the line.  You should not have to give up a good friendship just because someone's sensibilities are a but hurt by it.  The ex was and is your friend and just because she is an ex doesn't require you to give up that friendship.  If he's hurt by it then it is his problem and he has to work it out himself. As for why you all don't like to visit with his new wife, you have to explain that fully also.  Its up to him to deal with her and he must understand that his failure to deal with it is what is interfering with you and the kids' relationship with him.  You can't make someone like someone and if she is not making it easy for you to like her then that is simply the way it is.  If you have given it a good try and just been rebuffed then you've done your part.  Its up to him and her to deal with the situation.  If she continues to avoid learning the language then he has to deal with that also.  I don't see how in this day and age that she's going to avoid doing that forever.  Apparently she sees you as rivals for her husband's attention.  If he doesn't understand that, then the best you can do is point it out to him. Its up to him to fix things so that everyone is comfortable with each other.

As for the kids, if he really wants to see them and have them at his house then he must make it so that they are completely welcome there.  Kids will be kids and if she can't accept that, then he has to deal with it or else he's not going to see them around his house much.  The kids will grow up hating to have to go visit.  I had a step grandad like that and he made it so that our visits with Gran were so miserable that when we got old enough to refuse to go we did refuse and that only ended up hurting Gran. 

[beanyfan]

Your ex sister in law has been a part of your family fort a long time and there is no reson at all why you should cut ties with her. She is and will always be  the mother of your nieces or nephews and as such will always have a place in the fmaily.
I have a similar situation with my ex sister in law but without an unpleasant new wife in the picture.

How about getting your brother and his new wife over to you or meeting somewhere in the middle so that the wife is not on her own  turf and doesn't have the upper hand?

[lighty]

I second all of that.  Good luck, sweetie.

[creighton]

Unfortuately Sable it has already happened with my brothers daughter. Her two boys don't like going to visit. The youngest cries. This I blame on my brother. All the times he called my niece and asked to have the boys over for an overnight visit and the boys getting all excited that they were going to spend time with Papa Tony only to be disappointed when he called back 5 minutes later to say he couldn't take them. All because his wife did not want them there. Now the boys don't want anything to do with him. He wants to blame his kids for this when he should be looking to the woman sitting next to him. A big clue for him should have been when I needed a shower after the long ride in the back of a pickup truck from Tn to OK and she was not going to let me use one of their towels to dry off on. My mother just loves her to death and she loves my mother. Treats her very well. My mother is down from Indiana to spend time with my brother. She was going to go with us to see his ex. My mother changed her mind as she said my brother and his wife would be hurt by it. Thanks for the advice. It is his probem to deal with. My children still call his ex Aunt Sue. They love her. She was there for my daughter when we moved back to OK. She is my sister. You have no choice in who your siblings are. Danna Sue has been my sister for 40 years because we chose each other.

[Blue Jay]

She sounds like she has some kind of OCD. Obsessed with cleanliness. Have you ever asked your brother?

If your brother invites them and five minutes later calls back his wife doesn't want them, he's absolutely doing it the wrong way round too. He should discuss it with her first. Ever considered it's not all her fault? Maybe they should discuss it first before inviting someone.

I mostly agree with everything that has been said before. The brother's ex can be your friend, why not? It's not as if they have to see each other if they don't want to. The new wife sounds jealous if you ask me. Maybe jealous of the fact there is a family at all and she wants your brother all to himself.

Anyway, I agree that you have to talk it over with your brother. Bring everything out in the open. Maybe things are not as they seem.

[Sable899]

And like many men, who shall remain nameless, he probably can't see the forest for the trees.  He's in luuurve with his new wife and wants to foist her on everyone in his life.  Doesn't matter that she's a controlling, obsessive bitch, because he can't and won't see what everyone else is seeing.

[Lady Jane]

I agree that you should not cut your friend out of your life just because she makes your brother uncomfortable. These situations are always tricky but you need to explain to your brother that he has nothing to fear. He is your brother, and you will love him no matter what, your friendship with his ex wont change that. His new wife probably just needs time to adjust, she probably still feels like a bit of an outsider in your family. First thing Id do is buy her a gift of some nice towels, and suggest she keeps them as "guest" towels! Perhaps she does not have much experience of small children, as she seems to have little patience with them, so I agree with BF that it is probably best if she and your brother spend time with them in neutral surroundings, like the park, cinema, Mc Donalds etc. The children could relax a bit and have fun without worrying about being shouted at, and your brother's wife could get to know them better and learn to be a bit more tolerant. Good luck with it and dont give up your friendship, a good friend is too valuable.

[moonflower]

I agree with everyone else here.  There is no reason to end your relationship with your ex sister-in-law.  Good, close friends are something to treasure, not everyone is so lucky to have such friendships. 

You've gotten a lot of good advice here.  It seems like the main thing is to sit down with your brother and let him know how strongly you feel about the friendship with your ex SIL, and at the same time let him know that you also want to bond and become a friend with his new wife, and that you need his help with that.

I hope that everything works out well for all of you.